The Marshmallow Tree

Yeah baby, yeah! The 10th stream is finally here. I thought when I started this thing, that maybe one day I would run out of non-sensical, semi-amusing things to say, but they just keep on coming. I just reach in through my ear, grab a hold of something that feels gooey, and the whole stringy, slimey stream of consciousness comes right out. It's like that trick magicians do with the multi-coloured scarfs, except with more cerebral goo. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Stream of Consciousness 10! Yeah, baby yeah! You think I'm excited now, wait 'til I have 100 of these. My god, it's staggering. The amount of useless data. Boggles the mind. I still don't get nearly the traffic I'd like, I'm trying to promote, but the way that the people who do visit my site can help, is by telling everyone they know, and getting them to tell everyone they know, and so on. Either that, or just start a chain letter, and stick my URL in there somewhere. Well, I'm working on the promotion thing. You just enjoy the magic that is my congealed brain juices. (I have a gift for metaphors, no?)

You know, the other day, me and my crew...Yeah, that's right. My crew. Don't mess with me, or the Crunch Crew gonna mess YOU up. Captain Crunch is part of a complete breakfast. I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah, me and the Cap'n, make it happen.

Studies show, that most children under the age of 10 get less than their recommended amount of nicotine. The Players Tobacco Company's official medical officer strongly recommends that conscientious parents deal with this glaring health problem before it's too late. They plan on releasing their new Players Juniors Pack next year, and within the next 30 months, finish development on their new nicotine laced baby formula. (Yeah, I hate the tobacco compainies too.)

There's nothing like a gentle spring rain. Except maybe that new Spring Rain Shampoo. I love that stuff. Tested extensively on animals, for YOUR protection.

Halloween is over. All the big kids used to steal my candy, and this year, I decided it was time to break the vicious cycle. So I gave all the younger kids cans of mace instead of candy. AND I punched all the big kids in the face. Just doing my part.

I have the most amazing idea. Frog livers. They're just the right size for a keychain. This'll be the big new fashion statement. Frog Gear Inc. If you ain't got frog, you're just another toad. It's just a matter of time. The riches will come to me.

You know, my very, very good friend Eunice said something very interesting the other day. She said "Joel, you know, you're a sexy bitch." Although I was a little taken aback, I am of course inclined to agree.

We've gotta do something!

My lifelong dream is to bathe in soya sauce. But the chinese restaurants won't let me come in and take their little packets anymore. I tried applying at the Make a Stupid Wish Foundation, but they said they were too busy collecting Jell-O for some girl, and a whole bunch of guys who wanted to watch. Anyone interested in donating soya sauce packets can email me. Thank you, and God bless.

As you all may know, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is now playing in theatres everywhere. I'm taking my sister and her friends to see it. It's my brotherly duty. In return, I'm allowed to give her noogies every day for two weeks without getting told on. I believe very strongly in family.

After years of study, I've discovered that badgers CAN get drunk. But unfortunately, they're violent and abusive drunks. And I never trimmed their claws. ...No further testing is planned at this time.

"Oh my god! What is that? Is it alive? Is it human?" she asked fearfully. "No, it's a paper clip," he replied.

Sometimes I wonder if mankind will survive into the fourth millenium. Will we ever be able to repair the damage we've done to the earth? Will we be able to solve world hunger and end world war before we exhaust our resources and destroy our mother planet? But then I remember I'll be dead by then.

"...so there I was, facing twenty very angry scoutmasters, and wearing nothing but a loincloth made out of a Furby. And so I did the only thing I could do. I can't remember exactly what that was. I was pretty drunk at the time. I woke up in a field." There was a murmur of approval and admiration from the several drunk listeners, and I topped my hat at them and went to get another drink. They live for my stories. Next time I'll tell them about the time I infiltrated the girls steam room with a camera in my babushka, and then got electrocuted because the equipment got moist from all the steam. My cover was blown (literally and figuratively), and I think they ended up stealing my pants.

You know, life is like a box of chocolates. It's rectangular, often wrapped in foil, and it may contain nuts.

We met for the dread council a final time. "Dread sovereign," the Black Mist whispered to me, "the time is nearly come. Our legion of evil will finish the final phase of the plan, and the world will be ours. All will fall into darkness." I nodded gravely. "Yes," I affirmed, "the time of darkness is upon us, and we will revel in it, for it will be our time to rule, and rejoice in the very blackness of our hearts, for the weak human race will finally bow down to it's knees before us." Suddenly my Vice President of Operations, Kenneth Browley burst in. "Sir, er, dread sovereign, it's over, we've fallen victim to a hostile takeover. Microsoft has bought us out, and they've put all plans to take the world into a new age of darkness on hold, although Mr. Gates did like your idea on how to steal men's souls. We're all gonna be able to get jobs after the merger, but they might not be quite the same as what we have now." Damn, that was it, it finally struck me. It's all over. It was a beatiful dream though. Most of my blood sworn associates and dark servants became programmers. I didn't have "basic programming skills" though, so I didn't qualify. (several pages of ranting about these "new-fangled technological doohickeys") ...and that's how I ended up being the night janitor here. Yeah, life's a bitch... You don't believe me, do you?

If I could be any animal, I would be a magic fish. Cause whenever anyone caught me, I'd say, I'm a magic fish, and if you let me go, I'll grant you three wishes. And then when they let me go, I'd say "Suckah!!!"

If you're ever feeling down about the way your life is going, just take the evening off, and go watch the sunset from a high building or mountain. In the presence of the awesome beauty of nature, you'll quickly forget all of your insignificant problems. Oh yeah, and have about 10 beers first. Or you can have 12 beers, and watch tv instead of the sunrise. In any case, there's beauty all around you. You're just not drunk enough to see it yet. I should write one of those Life's Little Instruction Book things. I got inspiration coming out of every orifice.

That's right, this is Stream of Consciousness 10! Yeah, baby yeah! (I saw Austin Powers 2 the other day) For the first nine streams, you just have to click your heels together three times and say, "Joel's the King! Joel's the King!" Then click the link once. Then say "Joel's the King!" a few more times for good measure.