You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I was put on this earth to do. I mean, am I making the most out of my life? Am I making sure not to waste a minute? Am I contributing to society? Leaving a mark? Eh, that sounds like a lot of work. I'll just write my name on the bathroom wall. Maybe I'll pee on a couple of trees.
You know it's odd. Everyday I wear a different pair of underwear, yet I never seem to run out. It's as if someone keeps replacing them. But who? And why? Everyone seems to be in on it. Notes: I've been watching my family closely, but I've determined only that they watch too much TV and play not nearly enough Scrabble. Investigation will continue.
Being polite is very important. You'd be surprised how much you can accomplish if you just ask nice. Practice politeness all the time and you'll be the better for it. For example "May I please have all your money in a brown paper bag?" "Thank you very much for accompanying me to dinner. May I please suck your tongue now miss?" "Please don't kill me. Kill her instead." Remember, all you gotta do is ask nicely.
I got an email recently which told you what kind of tree you were, based on your birthday. Different trees had different personalites. And here I thought all trees thought the same! So I forget actually what kind of tree I was, but I'll tell you what I wasn't. I wasn't a Eucalyptus Tree. I wasn't a Rubber Tree. I wasn't a Peruvian Death Constrictor Tree. It was something really boring, like Elm or something. So there you go. If I was ever invited to a party with a bunch of other trees, I'd probably be the one that got peed on the most. Other than that I'm pretty boring. I hate my life. I wish I never found out my true inner tree.
What's the deal with circumcision? I mean, really. Who was in the shower, looked down and thought "That looks like something I want to have exposed while I play with knives."
Speaking of stupid ideas, what's up with Scientology? Like, they have sacrificial burnings with bunsen burners or what? I guess I shouldn't make fun of something I know nothing about. But then, I do a lot of things I shouldn't. Switzlerland sucks too.
You know that old phrase "don't eat any wooden pickles"? What does that mean exactly? I mean, I guess I can see the logic, you wouldn't wanna get slivers in your tongue or something. Yeah, that must be it.
I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you all a little more about myself. Let's see, basic stats...single, male, I'm a fire elemental type Elven archer. My special attack is the dice throw. You see I, uh, throw a bunch of dice. It tends to piss ppl off before they beat me up. I'm, uh, thinking of getting a new special attack.
It's a conspiracy. But we can bring it down, as soon as we gather enough evidence. And dynamite.
The other day, I was at home, when suddenly my sister and Stinky 2 burst in and were saying something about some Backstreet Boys Special going on. I was planning on watching a Guatemalan exectution that night, but then it occurred to me that we might be talking about the same event. Alas, it was not so. On the plus side though, I now know what I wanna do for the rest of my life. Be a sleazy manager for the Backstreet Boys and various other kiddy pop groups. And set them up with bad contracts so that I make lots of money from the stupid little kids that listen to their crappy music, but still be able to laugh at them when their popularity fades, as they'll end up bums without a nickel between them. It's a beautiful dream, I know. (Editor's Note: Shortly after posting this, Joel was severely beaten by a horde of rabid BSB fans. He'll be able to get his full body cast removed in 8 to 10 months. Send cards.)
I find that a whole new magical world is just an expired can of potted meat away.
Everyone looking forward to Lord of the Rings? Well if you're not, you must not be aware that it's gonna be the best movie of all time. Now that we've got that cleared up, you can get in line to buy your tickets now, and don't forget all the merchandise.
I must say, college has been a big disappointment for me. I thought that there'd be more sex and alcohol and less studying. In fact, all I do is study. What about the beer bashes and girls throwing their bras around and stuff? This isn't college. It's barely even high school.
If you were to bottle brain tumours, this is what they'd taste like. I swear to God you can get drunk off of these things. Find more in the archives. And bring me back some of the good stuff.