I was at McDonald's the other day, and I noticed that on their latest contest, it talks about how rules vary in Guam, and you should call in. Do they even have phones in Guam? I'll bet they don't, or maybe as an experiment, they just put in one. Like, there's no Guam Telecommunications System, just the Guam Public Phone. Yeah, they only got one maintenance guy. "So what do you do?" "Oh, I work on the Guam Public Phone. Use Windex on the glass and stuff." And you know, although you might think there'd be a long line-up, since it's the only phone in Guam, not so. Maybe if there were two phones, but since there's only one, people can't call each other, so the only people that ever use it are the McDonald's employees that need to call the head office. It's a brilliant idea. Wouldn't it be so much simpler for the phone companies in our great land to just have one phone? They wouldn't even have to worry about local rates. Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself.
Death to the interlopers! Damn interlopers, they’re always into something.
I recently found out there's such thing as bladder cancer. Doesn't seem like such a big deal really. I mean, honestly, what do we need bladders for? Pure vanity I think. People think they're too good to soil themselves in front of others. It's really sad, because, after all, it's a natural function and should be considered beautiful. I mean really, all these people think they're above it. Cocky bastards.
Well, had another Chem Lab. It went as well as always, which is to say…not. We were out of those little gloves for handling the hot beakers, so I decided just to use several layers of latex gloves. It worked quite well actually. By the time I’d gotten on my fourth pair, the beaker was already cold. Sometimes I amaze myself.
Also in the lab, I think I spilled some acid on my hand, cause it was really itchy on the bus ride home. Another annoying thing on the bus home, some weird old lady started talking to me. I don’t mind people talking to me, as long as they’re babes, or want to give me money. I think I coulda even stood the weirdness, if she weren’t so old and not giving me money. She was a crazy one though. There are a lot of crazy people on the bus, and they’re all old. There was this one old lady who had a cane, and she kept tapping it, loud. Incessantly, like, every five seconds “Bang!! Bang!!” until everyone was looking at her. And she had this look like she was challenging someone to say something. No one did. Finally, everyone turned away. And so she slammed her cane down again. We didn’t find out until later that she was in fact a crazy person.
Luckily, I’ve developed a fool proof method to keep weird and/or crazy people from talking to me. I used to always have a book, and people don’t normally bother me while I’m reading, but these peasants get more uppity by the day. Working on my phone or some other handheld electronic device doesn’t work anymore either, they just try to start up a conversation about what I pay a month. Infidels. So, my new method is a squadron of trained hawks. Anytime someone makes eye contact with me they go and bring me the offender’s eyes. If someone tries to talk to me, they are carried out an open window by my Flying Legion of Doom and then dropped in front of traffic. The question is, how do you market this?
I miss the tea.
By the way, if you all believe it, I’ve finally taken my Black Belt Test. Most likely, in the next stream I’ll be telling you about my incredible success, as they will have told me I passed with flying colours, and now join the ranks of the elite. I don’t consider that I might be telling you that I failed. Not because I’m optimistic, but because I plan to lie. Don’t trust anything I say. Starting…now! (Editor’s Note: I am actually an official black belt now. I kick ass.)
Well, school’s out for the holidays now. I’m certainly enjoying the Christmasness of it all. It’s just those damn elves. They’re always watching me. Oh god, there’s one now! Wait, garden gnome, never mind.
Click this link for the archives.
Ha! It’s here. Or is it here? Ok, ok, the real link. Don’t look at me like that, that was it! No, I’m not messing with you.