The Marshmallow Tree

Stream of Consciousness 13

I used to think that true love only happened to other people. But now I realize they must be faking it.

If I had a nickel for every time I've put my shirt on backwards, I'd spend it on tacos.

We looked at each other from across the room. He had a steely glint, and I knew he was challenging me. It was time for a face-off. Man to man. Mono e mono. With a new sense of purpose, I strode over to him, back straight, chin up, jaw clenched. Then I dodged behind some other guy and ran out the back door. I tripped over some garbage cans.

If it's true that only the good die young, it's a good thing I don't go to church.

I find that whenever I'm getting worried, and I feel overwhelmed by life, getting really drunk really helps. The worrying, I mean, not the actual problem.

If you're ever in space, and you accidentally drop the book you were reading into a black hole, and you don't have another copy, and you don't have anything else to read on the long trip back home, and you're right at the exciting conclusion, then I think, only in those special circumstances, it might be okay to try going after it. But you should hold onto your spaceship real tight.

Here's why you should visit The Marshmallow Tree.

1. It's like someone just took a big bucket of funny and tossed it in a blender. And this is the stuff they scraped off the walls.
2. Picture this. You're walking along a deserted beach, just minding your own business, when all of a sudden, a seagull swoops down and bites off your testicles. My site is like that. Not the seagull thing. It's just like a pretty beach. Very relaxing. I promise you won't lose your testicles. Seriously.
3. Have you ever had one of those moments where you stand up, and get this head rush, and you lose your sense of gravity? It's like that.
4. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it may cause diarrhea. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Disclaimer: Site Owner can not claim responsibility for pants.
5. I'm bitchin' smart. And I'm sharing my gift with the world. I'll solve your women problems, I'll give you a different perspective on life, and one day I'll be a famous clown. You know you wanna get in on the ground floor. This dude's going places.
6. It's witty and informative and wrapped up in a tasty fajita. I promise you won't be disappointed. If you are, you can go to hell.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...oh crap! Those damn pigeons! This is gonna stain.

You should always carry a nutcracker and some walnuts with you at all times, and I'll tell you why. If you ever find yourself surrounded by a bunch of naked ruffians, you take out the walnut, put it in the nutcracker, and crush it. Then you say, "Who's next?"

I'll bet the hardest thing about having a harp attached to your butt is keeping it in tune. Cause it's hard to see what you're doing back there.

Women are like pineapples. They're pointy, come from hawaii, and they're oh so sweet. I like the ring shaped ones that come in a can.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel tired.

This article is based on the assumption that you're drunk. If you don't find this funny, you are not drunk. If you are not drunk, you should consume some alcohol immediately, then reread this. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised. If you are drunk, then you should certainly check the archives. But do it quickly, before you sober up.