Because of his greed, the miser drove away all his loved ones. Alone in his vault, he contemplated his life. No family, no friends, no personal relationships of any kind. But it was then that he realized that he had what he needed to find happiness all along. Looking around, he finally understood. Money is the greatest gift of all.
Once upon a time there was a boy who loved football. He didn't do too well in school, and people sometimes said he wasn't very smart, but he loved football and always believed he'd be out there in the stadium one day, the world watching. Football was all he thought about. One day, he skipped school and spent all day hanging out at the gas station, inhaling the fumes. Then, in his unsound mental state, he jumped out into traffic and tried body checking oncoming traffic, apparently believing himself to be in the middle of a big game. And do you know who that bright eyed young boy finally grew up to be? A coma patient. Think about it.
I had a friend who used to be a mystery writer, but he's decided to go in a different direction. Cookbooks, with plot twists. Some excerpts:"Whip until thick and you're done...or are you?", "Bake at 175 degrees for seven minutes. But wait! It's 175 degrees Celsius, not Fahrenheit! You forgot to convert! That's been the secret all along!", "Fold two egg whites and add 1/2 cup flour. Colonel Mustard in the drawing room with the spatula!" The first run isn't selling as well as he initially thought.
A friend of mine was upset recently and he said "Man, I wish I was dead." It occurred to me that this might be a time for encouragement, so I told him "Don't just wish, make it happen!" I'm such a good friend.
I'm learning how to type with my nose. Check this out. dgbgvfcf All you have to do is mash your nose on the keyboard. It's actually a pretty easy trick. Oh, you meant typing words? No, I can't do that.
When I was a kid I used to love playing checkers. The way we used to play was we'd stick the checkers in our noses and see how far we could shoot them across the room. I'm not sure if that was the proper rules or not, but we had fun anyway. I grew up eventually, and I got into the more intellectually demanding game of chess. The pieces fit in your nose a lot better, but nasal pressure had to be different for each piece to optimize distance. It's a lot harder to get into a rhythm.
Most people don't realize that Teddy Bears, like Koala Bears, are not actually bears at all, but rather an entirely different species. In fact, Teddy Bears are not even mammalian in nature. They're actually plants. They're filled with cotton, and don't move, but they grow that way in order to scare off possible plant munching enemies. Be careful you don't get too close. Those cute button noses are covered with highly poisonous barbs. Not so cute now, are they?
I had a meeting with my infantry unit and I had to pick up a notepad so I could write down dates and numbers and ways of killing people. But the only one they had at the store was this one with a bunch of rainbows and unicorns on it. But you know, when I took it out at the armoury, I was the coolest guy there. The sargeant said he wished he had one too. No wait, that's not what happened. I got beat up. Damn concussion.
I was exploring the cursed Cave of Eternal Death, Torment and Slightly More Than Mild Discomfort. Darkness surrounded me, but that was not all. A sense of deepest foreboding was upon me like a heavy cloak, weighing down my senses, heavy on my heart. I tried to keep my mind clear, and my senses attuned to my surroundings. It seemed like I'd been walking for miles and miles. Was I nearing my destination? Was I even close? Would I ever get out of this place alive? I should really clean out my closet.
Nine essential nutrients and half your recommended daily intake of calcium in the archives.