If I were a professional football player, I'd have the best damn endzone dance there ever was. I'd own a copy of Lord of the Dance. I'd blow off team practices to learn the fine art of tap, jazz and interpretive dances. My body would be a conduit through which all the triumph and glory of my victory could be expressed. And then, if I ever did manage to make it to the endzone, I'd do a little irish jig such that no one would ever forget. And though that might be my only career touchdown, my simple and elegant, yet precisely choreographed endzone dance would be something to inspire awe. In fact, it would go down in history as the greatest touchdown ever. Because, my friend, I AM the Lord of the Dance.
My friend says to pick up girls you need to tap into that primal hunter instinct. But I don't think I have any hunter instinct. I'm really more of a gatherer than a hunter. I pretty much need my women to stand still, otherwise I got nothing. Actually, it's better if they're hanging off a tree or vine. Why is that so hard to find?
If I had a time travelling car like in that movie, I'd definitely take advantage of it. Instead of ever overpaying when gas prices get raised too high, I could just travel back a day and fill 'er up. I'd save so much money. That would be one car where you'd never have to overpay for fuel. I'd be saving two, maybe three dollars on every fill! But wait, I forgot you need a batch of plutonium for every trip through time. That could cut into my savings. Maybe if I brought a couple jerry cans with me. That'd be enough to cover expenses, right? What's the going price for plutonium on the black market these days?
Hey, I hate to burst your bubble but...wait,what am I saying? I love bursting bubbles. Why I could just sit there with a bottle of bubble-blowing mix all day. I don't care whose bubbles they are. That's just the kind of guy I am. So watch out! Bubbles will be burst.
The future of electronics is in taking existing products and putting them together. Combination tv/vcr/dvd units. Toaster oven/breakdmaker/underwear warmers. Radio/dryers to provide musical entertainment for when you run out of clothes and have to wait naked in the laundry room for your pants to dry. What's next in the intrepid R & D laboratories of electronics and appliance companies? Time will only tell. But I'm hoping there's an underwear warmer add-on available. You can't have too many of those.
I'd like some changes made to our current economic system. Instead of money, I think we should trade something like coconuts. No one would even carry wallets anymore, but everyone would have coconut sacks. You know, like potato sacks. Except for coconuts. I'm thinking, if people had to lug a bunch of coconunts around, there wouldn't be all these frivolous purchases all the time. People would only bring out the coconuts if they were buying something really important. It would improve people's spending habits. Also, with all the coconuts around, it'd make everything seem all tropical. We could start wearing hawaiian shirts and stuff. Oh! And we could get those little fruity drinks with the tiny umbrellas in them. Did I mention I didn't do so well in my economics class?
It would be kind of cool having a dad who was a taxidermist. All the stuffed animals you want. You'd be the envy of all your friends. That would be a happy childhood. Except when you walk in on your dad removing the intestines from a bloody animal skin and saying "Hello there son! Say hello to 'Pooky!" But I think there comes a point in every child's life when his parents scar him permanently. Thanks for the years of therapy you sickos!
It's amazing how much you can boost your own credibility simply by using fancy, reverent sounding names. The archives. Ooh! Sounds almost holy, doesn't it? Like a sacred library housing a collection of the greatest human knowledge of all time. But boy, if that's what you're expecting, you're sure in for a surprise!