They said I was mad when I told them my plan to create a legion of explosive pigs. This was later confirmed by psychiatrists.
Ever hear of the Presidents of the United States of America? They're this band from the mid 90's, only came out with one album. Not sure what happened to them. They're pretty cool though, I'd completely forgotten about them. Check their songs Peaches, Old Man on the Back Porch and Lump. "Moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. I'm moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches. I'm moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. Moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches." Then the big guitar hit, amps come on, it's time to rock. (screaming) "Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtooowwwwwnnnn. If I had my little way, I'd eat peaches everyday, some soaking bowl just in the shaaaaade." If that's not some killer angst ridden grunge rock, I don't know what is.
Hey, you know What? He's a pretty cool guy. Weird name though.
Well, I'm testing for my black belt in just a few months. I just wanna thank everyone that supported me along the way. My pet cactus, that crazy guy on the street who's always saying the cheese is out to get him, and of course, the ninja turtles, my greatest inspiration. The best part is, now I can say my hands are deadly weapons. Truth be told, that's really what this has all been about. For a few weeks after my test, I'll probably never take my black belt off. Someone bumps into me in a bar, I just open my shirt a little, exposing the belt like it's a deadly weapon, and nod knowingly. Then the other guy does the same thing, but in his case exposing a gun. Then I run. Really fast.
Of course, there was the time I was carrying around this plastic gun, pretending it was real, and showing it to everyone in that little plastic holster that goes underneath my jacket. One or two people were actually intimidated for a second before they realized how much it didn't look like a real gun. Then there was this one guy who got the wrong idea when I opened my jacket and went for his fly. Once again, I ran away.
Did you know I'm a master of disguise? Yeah, I bought a fake moustache. So, you never know if that guy you're talking to is really who he says he is, or if it's me. Unless he doesn't have a moustache.
So I told my parents I was thinking of quitting university to go to clown college. I mean, what does a physics degree really get you anyway? A job at McDonald's. And yea, sure, you get to be the one to flip the burgers, and that's kinda cool, but still, I think clowns are where it's at. My parents took it pretty well. They told me they'd support me in whatever I do. On an unrelated topic, when I got home the other night my key didn't work. My parents said they'd get right on it though. Meanwhile, I'm staying in a really great place. You know that fancy $800 a night hotel downtown? I'm in the dumpster right behind it. Moving on up. Just like the Jeffersons.
The eyes have it. To peer into more of my inner workings, just remember, the eyes are the window to the soul.