I've been thinking of trying out for the Globetrotters, cause if there's one thing I can do, it's trot. I'm like a race horse. One that's trotting. I can't seem to find their home phone numbers though.
My friend Jason turns everything into a dating service. He's just discovered the internet, Bob help us all. He keeps on meeting girls online, and then setting up dates. I'm supposed to go to a bar with him so he can meet some blonde. She's the forward type. That works out cause he's the reverse type. She'll probably back him over a chair or something. *Sigh* I don't know how I get talked into these things. Oh well, back to my incoherent ramblings.
What could be better than spending a beautiful spring day hiking? Feeling the wind on your face, the sun on your back. Hearing the sounds of nature, smelling the trees and fresh water. Actually, sleeping would be better. Maybe I'll go do that.
The thing I love most about baseball is the fights, and also when the guy gets beaned. And we can't discount the peanuts either. Other than that it pretty much sucks.
So I was talking to this girl, and there was a lull in the conversation. So I said, I think the Bombers have a shot at the cup. And she's like, "Bombers? What sport is that?" This is bad enough, but after I explain that the Blue Bombers are a CFL team, she asks "What's the CFL?" What's the CFL? WHAT'S THE CFL?! How is it possible to maintain that level of ignorance? Even when it's sports and you're a woman. I mean, she's Canadian. She lives in Toronto, and she never even heard of her own team, the Toronto Argonauts. Does she never listen to the radio, watch TV, or leave that little box in her closet? She must sit there in the dark with her fingers in her ears all the time. It's insanity I tell you, insanity! I may not know the latest score, but at least I know the name of my local team. And the name of our national league! I'm still in shock.
When I was your age, we didn't have computers. Our only entertainment at night was the fire. And it always singed our fingers when we tried to type.
Alcohol is my anti-drug!
It was a perfect day. The birds were singing. Her face glowed in the sunlight. A slight wind caressed us. Also, I was drunk.
Picked up a new CD. Apocalyptica. Doing Metallica. With Cellos. I highly recommend for, uh, actually I'm not sure who I could recommend that for. It's different though. I like different. I also like cheese. Yum.
I think the real question is, who puts these pimentos in the olives, and why?
As a brilliant man once said, "Thinking sucks!"
The fruit smoothie is the single most perfect nutritional source ever. Better than potatoes. If I had to survive on just smoothies, I think I’d be ok. Also, for those who were wondering, the perfect song is I’m Turning Japanese, the perfect movie is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and the perfect guy is me.
You may have noticed that men have a tendency to do stupider things when they’re in larger groups. That’s cause men don’t ever mind doing something stupid, as long as one or more of their friends is doing it. This is the real reason guy friends are always such bad influences. They’re always trying to get you to do something or buy something, so that they can do the same, guilt-free. Men will go out with their friends, and their friends will tell them “Go ahead, splurge for once, don’t be such a tightwad, how often do you come across a Monty Python T-shirt of this quality? It’s only 60 bucks.” You’ll always see a small group of men huddled around the six-foot lava lamp, and someone will always be trying to convince his friend to buy it. “This would really tie the room together. Screw the mortgage! Without this, you might as well be living in a hovel!” This is what man’s greatest debating skills are reserved for. And this is the reason you never see a group of women coming out of a pawnshop, struggling with a 400 lb. moose head. They make each other buy stuff too, but they’re always fashion conscious. Tacky, thy name is man.
For the secret of life, check the archives, I'm sure I left it in there somewhere.