Has it ever occurred to anyone that limes might be a fruit from another planet? I mean, it only makes sense doesn’t it? They’re green after all. What more do you want?
(Insert humorous and insightful witticism) [reference to cheese] {finish this part later}(work on “punctuation and, speling]
The other day, I was walking somewhere or other at school, and this girl walks by without a bra. Yeah. That’s the entire story. I know, I know, but c’mon people, this is all that keeps me going.
Death may be unavoidable, but perhaps we can beat him with a stick.
I wanna rock and roll all night. Or party everyday. But I can’t do both. My god, I need to get to bed at a decent hour some of the time. I’m not 16 anymore.
So this girl comes up to me in a bar and says “Hey, you got a light?” And I say, “Yes. It’s the inner light of my love for Jesus Christ, and my acceptance of him as my saviour. It makes my heart and soul glow with joy.” She gave me a strange look and walked away. I really thought that line would work too.
If I were ever to change my name, it would be to Damian McLeod. That’s the kinda guy that would get all the chicks. Either that or Marco Andre. Yeah, that sounds about right. I’m finished now.
It’s odd though, you know? I mean, I always knew I loved bagels, yet I never knew they felt the same way about me.
Who’s that pretty girl walking down the street? It’s old Uncle Fred! After the operation.
Strange. They said I might have suffered brain damage. But you know, I’m ferfectly pine.
Sometimes I like to just sit there and watch the flames lick the wood. It’s like, poetic you know? Life always seems so rushed. Sometimes you just gotta take a minute, and appreciate the beauty all around you. Still, I can’t waste all the night watching the fire. Damn nosy fire department almost got me the last time.
He was such a screw up, that when he was putting in screws, he ended up nailing them. (Editor's Note: I actually thought that was funny.)
Well, just had my latest Chem Lab the other day. I must say, it started pretty strong. The first thing we did, was make tea. As if that weren’t gripping enough, we then got to stir it, and move it from one test tube to another several times. But although it had promise, and I thought it might be really fascinating, we ended up having to hold our test tubes for about half an hour to an hour, and wait for the solution to evaporate. The lab kinda lost its glamour after that.
You know what else is great? Thermometers. I think they just got a bad rap cause people are always getting them stuck up their butts.
Speaking of sticking things up people’s butts, I think I’d be a great doctor. “ So tell me ma’am, did you happen to notice any ebola entering your body?” “Yes sir, I’ll have the diagnosis in just a moment, I just need a few questions. First of all, how many bones did you break when you were thrown from the car? You see, the X-ray machine is broken, and…” “You there, you don’t need that wheelchair, now go get me some coffee.” Medical school, here I come.
If someone insults you in your own home, call them out, or ask them to leave. If someone insults you in their own home, pee on their rug.
More stuff to get your pancreatic juices flowing in the archives.