ÿþ<html><head><STYLE> <!-- A{text-decoration:none} --> </STYLE></head><body bgcolor="black" text="white"><title>How to Build a Fortress of Doom</title><center><h2>How to Build a Fortress of Doom</h2><P>So, thinking of getting into the supervillainy game? Need some new digs to use as your base of operations, torture people, or just to spend a weekend away from the kids? Well, fear no more, because I - your resident handy-man and sometimes evil genius - have just the thing for you. This step-by-step guide will allow even the most inept, and only moderately evil villains to build a stronghold of...what's another word for evil? I feel like I'm repeating myself here.<P><h2>Step 1: Location, location, location</h2><br>It's true. Location is everything. Your secret location has to be not only difficult to get to, but situated upon an appropriately ominous backdrop. Any true dark fortress would be built in extremely inhospitable building conditions. Inside an active volcano, atop a very high mountain, on a private island surrounded by sharks and crocodiles and electric pufferfish. The castle blueprints I provide are all-purpose, and can be built on any location.<P><h2>Step 2: Building Plans</h2><br>Once you've scouted your location, you're gonna need to some blueprints suitable for your dark lair. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, every evil castle is pretty much the same. With some minor adjustments, you can make this place your own. It's all about the interior design. Wall hangings, drapes, a futon and some throw pillows. That's for each individual dark overlord to do on his own though, or else the official evil interior designer. Here's what you want your blueprint to look like.<P><img src="http://marshmallowtree.kungfukoala.com/images/fortressbp.bmp"><P>This is pretty standard for any supervillain, but it's flexible. If you want to make your fortress in the shape of a big flying squirrel, to match your moniker, that's fine, so long as you follow the same basic structural plans. Don't do a big skull though. It's been done to death. Really.<P><h2>Step 3: Building Supplies</h2>Here's what you'll need. Lots of bricks. Not regular bricks, for like a little red brick house with white picket fences or something. No, big stones, grey or black, about a foot and a half across and a foot high. This is what the main part of your castle will be made of. Of course you'll need cement for the foundation, putty. The main door will be made of wood, something solid and thick though, like oak. Use iron for the door knocker, keyhole, etc. And of course, putty. You need putty for that funky craggity peak on top of your castle. It's easy to form, almost like making a big sandcastle, or something. The craggier, the better. Afterwards, you can paint to make sure it matches with the main body of the castle. From a distance, you could never tell it's putty. It would look just like the physical incarnation of sheer malevolence. It's all in the power of putty. All your friends who are living in evil studio apartments of doom will wonder how you did it. Let them be jealous. You earned it big guy.<P><h2>Step 4: Construction</h2></P>Now, the first part of your construction depends on your locale. Though it's not terribly different wherever you go. Whether perched upon a mountain, or deep in a dark, dank swamp, you need to build a foundation. Pour some concrete, make something solid, and then you can just follow the plans as per normal. Just make sure your foundation is solid, and fits the dimensions of the castle base. Then you can start the building. Now, building a large castle atop a very high mountain, or in a volcano, or swamp, or whatever dangerous location you've chosen, can in fact be dangerous. But this is why you have faceless minions. Take a few weeks off, relax at your Florida condo, and have them call you when they're done.<P><h2>Step 5: Landscaping</h2>In order to make the place that much more threatening, you will need to make some changes to the surrounding area. Not only flora, but fauna must be cultivated. If you're in a high place, buzzards, vultures, that sorta thing. In a swamp, introduce some extra large gators to the mix. Additionally, create some handmade signs, naming the immediate location and/or the fortress within. "Attention: Swamp of Evil, Do Not Enter", "Warning: Stay Off the Black Mountain lest you desire to leave this mortal coil", "Caution: The Desert of the Bones is home to Death Dungeon, Enter at Your Peril". Even though it's a new real estate development, old weather beaten signs, and use of the words ancient, place of darkness, mortal coil, etc. will make it seem like your fortress of doom has always been there, and been appropriately feared for generations. Gives you that whole rustic look.<P><h2>Step 6: Personalisation</h2><br>How do you make your fortress of doom really scream out "you" in every room? Well, that's really up to you. An original coffee table from Pier One can do wonders. If you have a good theme going, some kind of villainous tradition, or a really cool name, go with it. Get an ambience going, whether it's something to do with bones, blood, or maybe simply a love of sharp objects. It's wide open. Gargoyles can be a nice touch, as well. If you don't already have an evil interior designer appointed, that's something to get on stat. This is one of your most trusted minions, possibly even more so than your head general. In the evil game, image is everything.<P><img src="http://marshmallowtree.kungfukoala.com/images/fort1.jpg"><br><small>Maybe not terribly spooky right now, but all it really needs is a coat of paint.</small><P><img src="http://marshmallowtree.kungfukoala.com/images/fort2.jpg"><br><small>Transylvania, Romania. Our good friend Dracula's old place. I wonder if they rent?</small><P><img src="http://marshmallowtree.kungfukoala.com/images/fort3.jpg"><br><small>Disney castle has always given me the willies. All the bi-pedal animals with the grotesquely over-sized heads. Yikes!</small><P><a href="http://marshmallowtree.kungfukoala.com/specialprojects.html">Back to Special Projects</html>