How to Have a Happy and Perfect Life
It seems like it's almost every day that I run into someone who doesn't have a happy and perfect life. I started to realize the true extent of this problem when I recently had a conversation with someone, asking them how things were, and they replied that things were "fine". I was, of course, glad to hear that things were fine. That's great for things. I'm ecstatic for things. I then went on to discourse on the hibernation patterns of certain frogs, as I had recently read a book on the subject, and it seemed both exciting and relevant.At some point, this person cut me off and started whining about something -- I don't remember what. Something about work, a urinary tract infection, boyfriend/girlfriend problems (I can't seem to recall the person's name, gender or sexual orientation offhand; I think he/she/it was wearing a yellow shirt), and I was like, hey, wow, this is boring. And I thought you said you were fine?
Apparently this is one of those phrases that people often say by default, whether they mean it or not, like "I love you", or "yes, I did wash that fork after dropping it in the toilet instead of just putting it back in the drawer". In fact, rather a lot of people aren't fine at all. And I'm sick of the whining. So what could I do? I decided I need to bring happiness and perfection to the world. So let's get started.
Step 1: Find Your Purpose in Life
This can be a lot of different things: you might want to create beautiful works of art; you may wish to involve yourself in scientific discovery; you may decide to devote your energies to training the world's greatest cock-fighter. All of these are legitimate and worthwhile missions. You should pick one of these three and not waste time trying to come up with your own career goals.No, seriously. What do you know?
The world is your oyster.
Step 2: Make Lots of Money
If you did step one right, you should have found some way to make oodles of money at the same time. On the off chance that your fulfilling and wonderful career as an artist/scientist/cock-fighter doesn't rake in the dough, however, I have a back-up plan, which can allow you to continue to do what you love, without having to worry about things like planning ahead, budgeting your money, and denying yourself things that you want for the sake of things that are necessary.*Win the lottery.
*Oh, and make sure to pick the winning numbers. If you pick the wrong numbers, you don't get anything. I checked.
Step 3: Fall in Love
This one's easy, you just, um, to start with...
Step 4: Spawn Horrible Progeny
This is supposed to fulfilling, or something. Yeah, you can skip this one if you want. Also, "spare the rod, spoil the child."
Young Theodore will think twice about forgetting his fork etiquette the next time.
Step 5: Die Happy
The rock stars got this one all wrapped up. Valium, anti-depressants, and fine Jamaican rum. You can tweak the ingredients if you like. Research celebrity overdoses, and see what suits you, but stick with the classics. I'm not saying to kill yourself. Just start a destructive, but genuinely fulfilling chemical addiction that will eventually lead to your apathetic death. Indifference and comatose stupor is exactly the same as happiness!